| fourth year |
[Dec. 11th, 2009|05:05 pm] |
Oh hay.
It's been a while. Maybe I'm over droning on about personal shit in our Twitterrific Tumblrized world. But ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) loatiloat reminded me that I'm one of the few regular posters, so I suppose I'll oblige. Plus, I get to use my holiday spirit userpic.
Last month, I almost posted because I was mildly depressed, but then I worried that by posting only when emotional I'd come off as more emo than I really am. I don't like saying I'm depressed because it's insulting to those who truly experience clinical depression, but I can't deny that I cried myself to sleep. (I feel like I spent the whole year crying, but that's a good thing because I used to eat instead of cry so you could say I was just making up for lost crying time.) I felt so stuck, and the last time I felt that way was fourth year at U.Va., when the weight of the world was so overwhelming I didn't know what to do except break down at the Italian Villa (see, it was so bad I ate and cried). Go figure. I recently began my fourth year in L.A.
After I named the problem, it became manageable:- I was worried about money.
- I was experiencing writer's block.
I hated that either was true because it meant so much — that I was a loser, a failure — and it only felt worse when it was pointless to do anything as long as I was a loser. But all I had to do was name the problem. I asked to borrow money so that I can stay at my internships. Then I started writing. And I felt better.
I applied to film school. True story: I wanted to apply secretly so no one would ask about it and so I wouldn't have to say anything if I didn't get in. But by the time I had to put together my portfolio and write those heart-wrenching personal statements I felt like I had set myself and everything around me on fire for film school.
For the month of December, I explicitly combed through my calendar to remove every event deemed unnecessary — foodie meetups, hiking excursions, acquaintances' parties, exceptions made for BFFs and career development. Now that this week is winding down, I'm like where the fuck did my week go? It's only because I've been writing, and I wish I had more time to write.
Last night, I volunteered at the CAPE Holiday Soiree check-in. We were asked to make sure members paid and to direct celebrities to the red carpet, but we were worried about accidentally asking a celebrity to pay so we had to study a printed list of faces.
Tonight I'm driving to Orange County in the Southern California rain to see GQ's student recital. Did you catch that? I'm driving in SoCal rain — among the most treacherous and traumatic experiences in life. Ever. Tomorrow I'm playing Liszt's Liebestraume No. 3 in my own recital. Potentially treacherous and traumatic as well.
|
|
|
